


We're All Just Pieces In Their Games

by agirlnamedtruth



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e12-13 The Coming of Arthur, F/F, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-20
Updated: 2013-03-20
Packaged: 2017-12-05 21:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlnamedtruth/pseuds/agirlnamedtruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen loses track of when she's lying and when she really does feel for Morgana until it all blends into the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're All Just Pieces In Their Games

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt 'Game' at [dailyfics](http://dailyfics.livejournal.com/), 'one day at a time' for [52_challenge](http://52-challenge.livejournal.com/), 'lies' for [100_women](http://100-women.livejournal.com/), 'undecided' for [fanfic50](http://fanfic50.livejournal.com/), 'hands' for [lover100](http://lover100.livejournal.com/) and 'Just A Game by Birdy' for [writerverse](http://writerverse.livejournal.com/). Heavily inspired by the song.

Gwen stared up at Morgana on the throne. It was a frightening sight, not just because of the fate of Camelot but because Morgana was unstable, Gwen knew that better than anyone. That’s why she was sat on the floor at her Queen’s feet, her head resting on her thigh. She was the only thing keeping Morgana grounded. 

Morgana had offered her a throne and a place of respect but she had refused it, it would not do for Cenred’s men, or Morgause for that matter, to see the freedom that Gwen had been given, the trust.

So Gwen sat patiently on the floor, playing pawn to the Queen, biding her time until she could use her freedom and trust for something worthwhile, something that would save Morgana from herself and those using her.

-x-

Gwen had been staring out of the window when Morgana approached her. Fear ate at her insides like rats and Morgana’s smile set her even more at edge but her words... her words were those of safety and loyalty.

“Everyone has a choice, Gwen,” Morgana said, laying out Gwen’s choice for her and despite Morgana’s words, it wasn’t a choice given to everyone. Only she had been offered such security. 

Gwen thought it absurd that this twisted, cold, shadow of Morgana could care for her as she had before. And it seemed laughable that she would think Gwen would care for her in return . But caring was easier than fighting. She swallowed down her fear and smiled, hoping she could pretend half as well as Morgana could.

“You know I have always been loyal to you, Morgana,” Gwen said, barely hearing the lies over her voice cracking and wavering. They were barely lies, really. “And I always will be.”

Morgana smiled, that way she used to when they were laughing and joking, plotting some trick together to knock Arthur down a peg or two. In a way, that’s exactly what Morgana thought she was still doing. 

“Then have no fear. No harm will come to you, I promise you that,” Morgana assured her, the words rushed but honest, like she was relieved Gwen had given in so easily. Gwen was relieved too, that Morgana had believed her acceptance so willingly. 

Gwen smiled and nodded, embracing Morgana when she hugged her. Although she’d bought her life with lies, Gwen couldn’t help but feel safer in her arms and just the thought alone sent a chill of self-hatred down her spine.

-x-

When Morgana rose from the throne, she held out a hand to Gwen, helping her from the floor. She wanted Gwen to walk out with her, on her arm but Gwen couldn’t do it, she couldn’t hold her head high while Morgana thought her dedicated and loyal, understanding, a companion even. So instead she served, taking hold of the hem of Morgana’s dress, lifting it off the ground and keeping her head bowed as she walked. She couldn’t bear to at anyone, not when she was betraying them all, Camelot and Morgana both.

But she had to keep on, she couldn’t leave Morgana’s side, she was all that was keeping Morgana from losing herself entirely.

-x-

“Come,” Morgana said, breaking free of the hug and taking Gwen’s hands instead, steering her to sit on the bed. “Now I know I have your loyalty, I can tell you everything.”

Gwen nodded even though she didn’t really want to hear what insanity had driven Morgana to this.

“Cenred is not going to take the throne,” Morgana started, looking Gwen straight in the eye, no denial of her involvement now. “I am.”

-x-

“Shall I draw you a bath, my Lady?” Gwen asked, desperate to do something harmless but helpful.

“That would be lovely, thank you,” Morgana smiled gently, as if the very thought took some of the weight from her shoulders.

Morgana wasn’t built to rule, Gwen thought to herself as she waited for the water to boil. She was only doing to get back the control she’d lost. She just wanted to feel like she had something that was hers.

-x-

“Now, Guinevere, don’t look at me that way,” Morgana said, squeezing her hands. “I’m not going to steal it, it’s rightfully mine.”

“But the King...” Gwen started.

“Uther does not deserve to rule. Look what he’s done with the power. He has executed innocent people, even your own father Gwen, and he has oppressed the kingdom. He abused his right to be King, surely you agree?”

“But then Arthur...” Gwen started again, not trusting herself to deny Morgana’s words because in her heart, she agreed with them.

“Arthur is not here. And he is his father’s son, is he not?” Morgana raised her eyebrow, once again trying to ease a denial from her, test her loyalty. “Whereas I am not my father’s daughter.”

“I don’t understand, Gorlois was...”

“Not my father,” Morgana cut her off. “Uther is.”

-x-

“You do not have to accompany me to court tomorrow, if it will be difficult for you,” Morgana said, dipping her hand into the bathwater, testing it’s temperature as Gwen poured.

“If you wish me to attend, I will be there, my Lady,” Gwen said. In some way she felt responsible for Morgana’s actions, like her complicity was encouraging her. She needed to be there for whatever it was Morgana planned to do with Sir Leon.

“You’ve known Sir Leon a long time, as long as you’ve known me, it will not be easy to sit at my feet as I pass judgement on him. At least sit by my side, show him that you are no prisoner.”

“I couldn’t sit upon a throne, my Lady, I am no Queen,” Gwen reached for the laces on Morgana’s dress, unpicking them with her nails and loosening them until the dress fell from her body. 

She held out her hand for Morgana to lean on as she stepped into the bath. Morgana smiled as Gwen averted her eyes, unable to hide a blush.

“Come, Guinevere, there’s plenty of room for us both,” Morgana said, offering her hand out to Gwen.

-x-

“So you understand why I must assume the throne. It’s the only way to bring peace for everyone. They’ll see, sooner or later,” Morgana said, glancing over to the window.

“If you mean peace, then why bring an army against Camelot?” Gwen asked. She wanted to believe Morgana, she really did but believing someone at knifepoint was difficult.

“They are for Uther. If he had been honest and just then it would not be necessary. But he lied to me and he cheated me, he was ashamed of me. He would never stand down willingly and accept me as his heir. If only he acknowledged me then Arthur could have the throne, we could have worked together to save this kingdom from our father but if I told him the truth, he wouldn’t believe me,” Morgana cast her eyes down, looking at their hands still joined, like both of them had forgotten they were there.

“You can’t know that, not unless you try talking to him,” Gwen said even though she knew that Arthur’s belief in his father’s love for his mother was absolute, there would be no breaking that.

“Uther would find some way to silence me. He has before,” Morgana pulled her hands away, growing cold again. “No, this is the only way.”

-x-

Gwen stepped out of her dress and into the scalding water, sitting close to Morgana’s back. The water dipped up and down, revealing a line where her skin went from pale to flushed pink where the hot water had touched. Gwen ran her fingers along that line. It reminded her of ice melting. Perhaps that was what would happening to them both eventually.

-x-

“I wish you wouldn’t,” Gwen pleaded, torn between fear and pity. Uther’s betrayal of her had broken something inside, made her dangerous but at the same time made Gwen feel for her. “There has to be another way.”

“I have no choice, Guinevere, I can’t keep pretending to be the good ward, not when he denies me the right to know my own family, to have a father and a brother. I can’t keep being an orphan when I know I am not...” Morgana broke off, the coldness cracking and breaking like a dam.

“Don’t cry,” Guinevere said, reaching out to comfort her even though she was only supposed to be pretending. Morgana fell into her arms, Gwen’s hand stroking her hair and it was natural again for a moment, like none of what they were talking about would truly come to pass. “Shh, don’t cry.”

“You understand, don’t you Gwen? Please say you understand,” Morgana begged into her shoulder.

“I understand,” Gwen said, soothing her. She wasn’t just saying what Morgana wanted to hear, she really did understand. It was mad, certainly but Gwen could see what had driven Morgana to feel like this was her only way to regain some control on her life. Everything she’d thought she’d known had been taken away from her and replaced with emptiness and abandonment. It was no wonder she’d become so cold.

“I have to do it,” Morgana said, breathing shakily through her tears. “I have to take something back. I have to have something that’s mine.”

“I know, I know,” Gwen lifted up Morgana’s head and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “You’ve got me, remember?”

“You mean it?” Morgana asked, not as sure as she had been before. “No matter what I have to do to win this war?”

“I mean it,” Gwen nodded. She honestly didn’t know if she was lying anymore.

Morgana drew in a breath and pulled her resolve back in place. For a second Gwen thought she might leave but instead she took her hands again, leaning in close.

“I care for you, Gwen, don’t ever forget that,” Morgana glanced at the window again. “When they come, I’ll make sure you are a free woman. I’ll make sure you aren’t harmed.”

“Thank you, my Lady,” Gwen said, the reminder of what tomorrow would bring twisting in her gut.

-x-

When the water started to grow cold, they left the comfort of the bath. Sometimes it was too easy to forget what the world was like outside of those doors, sometimes it just felt like it had been before, the King’s ward and her hand maiden. That’s how it had been forever. Gwen could scarcely believe the change to Queen and her consort.

“Would you stay with me tonight, Gwen?” Morgana asked as she climbed into bed. “Tomorrow will be unpleasant; I don’t think I will be able to sleep alone.”

-x-

Gwen stood, not sure what to do with herself now that she couldn’t blame Morgana for what would happen in the morning. Morgana wiped the tears from her face and glanced over at her pillows, dreading sleep.

“Gwen...” Morgana started, reaching out for her hand. “Would you stay? I don’t want to be alone... I don’t want you to be alone either.”

“My Lady?” Gwen asked, confused, even when her nightmares were at their worst, Morgana would never ask her to lie with her, a request like that would be considered an abuse of power.

“I know I shouldn’t ask but you’re not a servant anymore, you’re free,” Morgana explained. “In the morning everything will be different, you can be my...” Morgana paused, not sure what to call it that wouldn’t sound offensive. “You could be my companion. If you wanted.”

-x-

“Of course, my Lady,” Gwen said, running her hand over the covers before moving them and climbing onto the bed. 

The first night hadn’t been so easy, she’d been confused and despite Morgana’s reassurances, she had been scared of the morning that would come bringing an army with it. So she’d given in and accepted the comfort of Morgana’s body curled against her own.

Each night, Morgana found a different way to ask her, to make her feel needed and lessen the guilt. And each night she felt less confused, less scared.

This was the seventh night and all might change again in the morning. Tomorrow might be the day she betrayed Morgana and rebelled with the others. But for that moment all she had was Morgana pressed against her body, her hands warm on her skin and her hair smooth against the palm that was stroking it. For that moment, there wasn’t a tomorrow to worry about.


End file.
